Night of the Living Crickets

Since moving into my own apartment in February I've been enjoying a relatively pest-free living environment.  True, I've had to deal with living amongst greater numbers of mosquitoes, but what's a little Dengue Fever risk compared to being roomies with mega-spiders, cockroaches, ants, or rats?!  My days of avoiding mega-spiders and cockroaches appeared to be over.  Did this make me a little smug at my good fortune?  Did I get a little complacent?  Did nature decide it was time to remind me where I'm living?

The evening started off normally enough.  Lie on my bed, watch an episode of Vampire Diaries.  Lie on my bed, watch a movie on my computer.  Lie on my bed, play a game of hearts.  Get off my bed to boil water for oatmeal.  Lie on my bed, eat my oatmeal.  Switch beds (yes, I have two twin beds, one of which I use for a "couch").  Lie on my "couch," play Angry Birds.  Lie on my "couch," watch an episode of Glee.  Switch beds.  Lie on my bed...anyway, you get the idea.  Typical night in Sual.  But for some reason tonight I stayed up later than I normally do.  (I guess it could have something to do with that four-hour nap I took from 12:30 to 4:30 this afternoon....)  So the scene is this:  It's 11:00 pm.  The night has now progressed to a riveting game of computer solitaire.  As I'm lying on my bed I spot something in my peripheral vision jump onto the table.  I've heard that a person's reflexes slow as one gets older, but I can proudly say that I was off my bed, across my room, and crouched in a defensive position (i.e., cowering against the wall) in under a second.  After I ascertain that nothing followed me, I slowly make my way to the table and see a HUGE cricket-like insect.  Big, black, and quite menacing as it sits there rubbing its legs together.  That's right, folks, I've encountered my first Filipino mega-cricket.  Truthfully, I have no idea if it's really a cricket.  I'm a lawyer/occasional teacher, not a...uh...one of those people who studies bugs.  Zoologist?  Entomologist?  Naturalist?  Whatever.  The point is I have no idea what the thing is.  But it resembles a cricket, and crickets are less scary than an unknown Filipino insect that has the ability to jump across the entire room (particularly in its death throes, but we'll get to that later).  So as of now it's the Filipino mega-cricket.

Upon moving out on my own I discovered the most valuable, most necessary household item one can possess in the Philippines: a giant can of Raid.  Normally I just use it to eradicate mosquitoes, but I figure it'll probably kill anything if I use enough of it (including me, but we'll get to that later, too).  So just as I get my can of Raid the mega-cricket launches off the table onto the floor and skitters under my cabinet.  Could it sense its own impending doom?  Well, I sprayed about half the can of Raid under that cabinet, and if a hippo would've been in the room I'm pretty sure it'd be dead right now too.  Do I feel bad about killing the mega-cricket?  Yes.  Despite all my stories of killing and maiming various insects and arachnids, I really take no enjoyment in it.  If I could've escorted the mega-cricket outside, I would've done it.  But the risk of his jumping on me was too great.  So in my typical passive-aggressive confrontational style, I Raid-ed the bugger to death.

Well, as with all my Filipino creature encounters, I tried to put this one out of my head as quickly as possible.  So what happened?  Fifteen minutes later ANOTHER mega-cricket appears, this time on the wall above my bed.  Seriously?  Seriously?!?  And this one was bigger than the last.  There seems to be a theme developing here: I kill one pest and within a few minutes a larger, meaner one appears above my bed.  Taunting me.  So I get my can of Raid and spray as if my life depended on it (which it may have, you can't prove it didn't!).  I realize that the cloud of Raid hanging in the air is probably approaching toxic levels for humans, but if I'm going down at least the mega-cricket is going with me.  My can of Raid now exhausted, I watch the mega-cricket on the wall.  He's still hanging on, but he's frantically rubbing his legs together.  He seems disoriented (c'mon, at this point I'm disoriented).  He seems to be losing his grip on the wall.  And then WHOOSH...he launches off the wall right at my head.  I hit the floor.  He lands on the rug and starts doing little hops back and forth.  Hop...hop...hop...and then stillness.  I get my broom to sweep him outside and HOPPPP!  Once again I hit the floor.  I'll say this for the Filipino mega-cricket - he doesn't need to fear extinction from a nuclear war.  Anyway, he's stopped moving again.  But this time I give him ten minutes to fully die and then sweep him outside.  Whew.  Definitely sleeping with my mosquito net tonight, I don't care how hot it is.

I know you're thinking, "Britt, I thought your blog was getting serious?  You were teaching us Tagalog!  I thought you were done relating your near-death insect experiences?"  No, friends, this blog is back in all its un-intellectual glory.  My atrophied brain cannot create repeated thought-provoking posts.  And you know you love hearing about my battles with Filipino wildlife.  If for no other reason than to sit back and say to yourself, "Man, I'm glad I live in America where over-urbanization has driven most species of animals and insects to extinction. Ain't America great!"  Ah, how I miss it.