One of the attractions (and challenges) of being a Peace Corps Volunteer is living in and adapting to a culture entirely different from the one in which Volunteers have been raised. This holds true for the Philippines. While there are similarities with American culture, there are also big differences. One of these differences has impacted me from the moment I arrived here: the belief that a woman's most important societal role, despite anything else she might do in her life, is to get married and raise a family. Sure, having educated, professional women is important, but ultimately a woman's job is to have a family. When Filipinos find out how old I am (30! *GASP*) the question that immediately follows is, "Are you married?" When I say "no" a slightly pitying look comes over their faces and some variation of, "Oh, you better find someone to marry soon!" is directed at me. I smile and nod, saying that I'll devote all my time and energy to finding a suitable mate once I'm done with the Peace Corps ("but by that time you'll be 31! *GASP*"). At least once a day someone mentions how I need to get married soon if I ever want to have children.
Don't get me wrong, I understand where they're coming from. Filipinos graduate from high school at age 16 and the majority do not go on to college. Thus, the next step for many is to get married and start a family at a very young age. Even those who go to college graduate by the time they're twenty or twenty-one, and the women at this point are expected to get married. I think parental pressure is very strong on daughters to have a family. Of course there are exceptions, but this is true for many women, particularly in the rural areas (which are much more extensive than the urban areas). Apart from outside societal pressures, women themselves seem to feel this is their ultimate female duty. I remember one conversation I had with my counterpart, with whom I'm quite close. She is 39 and has four children, the oldest of which is 17. We were discussing marriage and children and she said that I must have children because a woman is not complete without children. I've always thought I'd have children at some point, but I've never felt that I'm an incomplete woman without them. Often, I have to remind myself that people are not saying this to me to give me a hard time, but they are genuinely concerned for me. One time I was talking to a different teacher who asked why I'm not married. I said something about wanting to accomplish my own personal goals before starting a family, and she nearly yelled at me, "DO YOU WANT TO DIE ALONE?!?!" I think this is one of the most striking examples of the different cultural perspectives: in the U.S. it is desirable for a woman to have a family, but in the Philippines it is a woman's obligation to do so, preferably at a youngish age.
Before coming to the Philippines I never felt any pressure to get married. I have lots of single friends my age (and older), and yes, of course I'd like to fall in love and get married, but it'll happen when it happens. But after coming here...whew. Some days after numerous comments about my need to find a man I actually get a little freaked out that I will end up dying alone. But then I remember that this is just the Philippines effect. Given the cultural context here, I understand why they see a 30-year-old single woman as an abnormality. People here just aren't single at thirty. Sometimes the teachers like to play the "how many children did I have by the time I was your age" game. The most is five. Most days I'm fine with the comments and conversation - it's something I've become accustomed to hearing. Like the comments I always get about how I'm REALLY BIGGGGGG and how I have nice white skin (no...I'm tan! I'M TAN!!). But the other day something happened that made me seriously consider getting married - to the first man off the street...tall, short, fat, idiotic, peg-legged...whatever. My counterpart and I were teaching our first class of the day and she was introducing new vocabulary words to the students. One of the words was "bachelor." None of the students knew the definition so she wrote it on the board: an unmarried man. Then she asked the class if they knew what an unmarried woman is called. I was thinking, "duh, a bachelorette" when all of a sudden she says, "a spinster - like what Ma'am Britt is!" I think the look on my face adequately conveyed my emotions at that moment. First of all, I don't think "spinster" is the female equivalent of "bachelor." Second of all, "spinster" is an antiquated term and I would much prefer the more modern label of "crazy cat lady." Third of all, if you're going to call someone a spinster, do it behind her back, not to her face. Fourth of all, I'M ONLY 30!!!!
I'd like to think that my being called a spinster was the product of the "lost in translation" problem - her not entirely understanding what "spinster" means in English (and the connotations of being called one....ouch!). But I'm not so sure. I've already adopted one cat here and am responsible for feeding two others, so maybe I am a crazy cat lady. But a spinster?? I just can't own up to that.
So, my dear readers, if you know of any peg-legged, slightly idiotic bachelors, feel free to give them my contact info. Send all letters to the attention of Britt "30-Year-Old Spinster" Hubbard.
